Following CVS: It’s the Rage!

February 6th, 2014 at 6:17 pm

From Yesterday’s WaPo:

“CVS, one of the nation’s largest drugstore chains, said Wednesday that it will stop selling cigarettes…in an expensive but calculated bid to boost its image as a full-fledged health-care provider rather than a simple purveyor of greeting cards and shampoo.”

From Next Week’s Papers:

–Frank’s ‘House of Guns and Ammo’ announced yesterday that they will stop selling guns and ammo, in a bid to improve their image in a society where gun violence is widely deplored, at least outside of Congress.  Reached for comment, Frank said, “We think this is the right move for us and for the nation.  True, guns and ammo are all we sell, so that’s a problem.  But, hey—I figure they’ll be some CVS customers lookin’ for smokes!”

–Denver’s latest marijuana retailer, Buzz On, has decided to turn their buzz off, shutting down just one week after they opened to tap a growing market for the newly legalized substance in Colorado.  The proprietor, who gave his name as Yellowman, said the reason for the quick reversal related to last weekend’s Super Bowl game.  “A lot of those guys were my customers and you saw what happened.  This whole thing needs a major re-think.”

–The hip West Coast clothing retailer HTC announced this week that from now on shoppers will have to try on their purchases in front of staff who will decide if they’re cute enough to pull off their prospective outfits.  In a press release, the retailer said: “We think our current practice of selling anything to anybody hurts our image, and frankly, your image too.”

–The investment bank Goldman Sachs announced today that they will no longer sell risky financial instruments such as synthetic derivatives, forward rate swaps, and other such exotica.  Bank representatives said, “Sure, these sales made us ridiculously wealthy but they tanked the economy, and that’s just not fair.  So, to maintain our own ethical standards and for the good of America’s poor and middle class, we’re finished with these instruments.  Plus, we just shorted the hell out ‘em!  Boo yah, suckers!”

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One comment in reply to "Following CVS: It’s the Rage!"

  1. Tom in MN says:

    – The Heritage Foundation announced today that it was disbanding for no logical reason. “We’ve thought all the deep thoughts we could think of,” their last remaining intern said, “but after misquoting the latest CBO report, we think we’ve done enough.” This comes as no surprise to many observers of the politically incoherent, who note that the Foundation has not been the same since the health care plan that they had used to undermine Clinton’s has become the center piece of Obama’s Presidency.


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